[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
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don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH