[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
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We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.