Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
You Might Also Like
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!