[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
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But God knows I’ve tried.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
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A collection of me turning into random objects.
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Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
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“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
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Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
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*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.