I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
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I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Breaking news:
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”