*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
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I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
$3 #books
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did