Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
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I put the mess in domestic.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.