*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
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Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
What my back needs
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.