*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
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Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
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