*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
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Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently