*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
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News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there鈥檚 a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Oh you鈥檙e a yogi name one picnic basket you鈥檝e stolen
Everyone鈥檚 a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Two princes?
I鈥檒l take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn鈥檛 cake?
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
There鈥檚 no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave 鈥榚m like we have a great deal of concern.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?