[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
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Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running