Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Tier 3 meme
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.