I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
You Might Also Like
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.