[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
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GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Practicing safe sax
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂