[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
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The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Just a friendly reminder!
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate