[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
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I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I love the National Park Service.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10