[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
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It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
house sitting!
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.