[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
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The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
do horses think humans are hats
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Unexpected Judgment
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!