Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
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Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
When someone trying to leave me
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
no one ever comes back
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her: