[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
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I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
“you changed” bro i was 15
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.