My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
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[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.