Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
You Might Also Like
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I’d … I’d rather not.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?