*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
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Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
the saddest jazz hands ever
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.