*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
You Might Also Like
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!