*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
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I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Phew
Phew
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Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.