*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
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Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
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Printer)Here’s 8,000
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
my proudest tweet
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?