[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I have a black belt in leather
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*