*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
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The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.