[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
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Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Go hard or stay average
Labreador