*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
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3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim