[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
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ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Every photo I’m tagged in
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I am, perchance
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
My blood type is coffee.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be