*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
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Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
#Caturday
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
they split up moments later
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works