*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
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what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
no their not
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives