*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
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My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Velcrow
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.