[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
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Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars