*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
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No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I know this now 😂
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I am HOWLING at this
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Is your wife single?
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.