[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
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(Electricians.)
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
We’ve all been there…
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”