*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
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COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
How I like cutting carbs
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.