Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
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Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.