*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.