*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
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i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage