*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
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so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.