SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
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Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
ugh not again
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Life cycle of cat
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.