*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
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Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?