*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
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I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
#DesignFail
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.