Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
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1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.