*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
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“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.