*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
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Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.