*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
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My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
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Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.