*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
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Cheer up.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?